what’s the feeling?

Oh right, it’s the feeling that I’m not good enough knocking on my door. He comes around often. We like to have tea sometimes.

I, like many other people, am insecure. Big shocker, right? The girl that sits behind a laptop on the internet is afraid of the opinions of other people? Super original.

I think a lot of people think that someone with social anxiety is really shy, doesn’t go to parties, is afraid to meet new people. My social anxiety on the other side of the spectrum.

I’m not afraid to hit on a guy, or conflict, but I am a comparer.

I compare myself, my achievements, my conflicts, my abilities with the people around me. And somehow, I never measure up.

It’s wrong to resent someone for their achievements, I know that. And I try not too.

But it’s a little hard, isn’t it?

So that kinda leads to this week’s confession.

I am a compulsive liar. I don’t really know how it happens. My mind can spin an intricate convincing lie in seconds. I have literally invented a person before.

Now this has kind of backfired on me before (of course), but not too badly (not yet anyway).

And here’s the kicker: I thought it was normal.

I thought people just lied about stuff, I figured that everyone must do that, not lie but embellish on the truth.

Turns out that no, most people don’t lie about stupid little things.

So this person I invented was supposedly a friend of my brother’s who frequented to Melbourne a lot, and essentially I created him because I felt lonely, so I entranced my friends with stories about my older brother’s cool friend that treated me like a little sister (my brother and I aren’t particularly close so I think this person was supposed to make me feel less lonely). I named him Christian Taylor and had stories about my brother putting me in bins and this fictional guy helping me out, and him holding me when I cried and pretty much being the best person ever.

Christian remained a staple in my lies until about the ninth grade when I kind of realised that this was the kid equivalent of ‘waiting for a knight in shining armor’ and I was sick of it because ‘Christian’ or any version of him wasn’t showing up in my life (although I still wish he would).

I tried to reduce my lies after discovering that they were, in fact, not normal to lie, but I always find myself inventing things to tell my friends and having to remind myself that I really shouldn’t.

I feel like this habit is just a byproduct of me living in a ‘fantasy world’ where whenever something is coming up (like an outing with friends or a new semester) I always think about the chance that there’s a new hot guy in my class that’s going to be into me or that I’m going to meet my soulmate while waiting in line for coffee.