I read the book, ‘The DUFF’ by Kody Keplinger, about four years ago, and I loved it so much. It was so upfront and blunt about the very offensive, yet very common, concept of ‘the DUFF’. The Designated Ugly Fat Friend.
It’s no secret in my friend group that I am not the prettiest of the girls. However, I always seemed to make up the lack of good looks by my ‘slap-in-the-face’ personality.
It’s only been in the few years or so where I haven’t been as content with myself as I have been in the past.
I become a lot more self conscious, even though I didn’t want to. But my friends are used to me being able to take shit, so when I became more self aware and conscious: a joke about my external looks that I would have brushed off in the past, I took to heart.
I became more self critical, I had two boyfriends in the course of six months two years ago (including a guy inappropriately older than me) in my desperate attempt to make myself feel pretty. I changed my hair, started wearing makeup all of the time-at this time I had never wore makeup to school since it started so early. I think what affected me the most was that none of my friends or family noticed me spinning into hating the way I looked.
I gained weight because I was eating so much fast food at the time (I’m a binge eater, I eat my feelings, it’s simultaneously the best and the worst thing), and that just made things worse-especially since my best friend was calling me ‘fat’ and ‘a pig’.
I bleached and dyed my hair rainbow in attempts to give me that ‘defining feature’ that all my friends have. It seems like everyone around me has passions (fuck I’d kill for just an interest at this point) and I’m just kind of ‘that girl’.
I feel like I’m trapped in limbo sometimes, between wanting to be happy with myself and just not feeling good enough.
I want to be confident in who I am but I can’t stop comparing myself to the people around (which is extremely poisonous, trust me).
I just feel… replaceable to the people in my life and I can’t imagine a worse feeling than if I left, no one would miss me.